


Crossed Lines

by stormyteatime



Category: Black Butler, sebaciel - Fandom
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-18
Updated: 2021-01-13
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:00:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 20,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22296703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stormyteatime/pseuds/stormyteatime
Summary: Rewritten and retitled version of a story called Liked and Subscribed. Modern AUCiel often felt alone in the world, his only friend now far away, he took to the Internet. There he didn’t feel so alone. When someone he looks up to starts talking to him it doesn’t take long for Ciel to gain feelings. Who knew that this one person could change everything for him? A bit of a rollercoaster of emotions and domesticity.
Relationships: SebaCiel, Sebastian and Ciel
Kudos: 16





	1. Online and Offline

**Author's Note:**

> This is Liked and Subscribed something I was co writing with a friend but they aren’t in the fandom anymore so I thought I’d take the story and start a new. Retitle and start over I hope you’ll like it! Also, rating may change I just set it to that for now. Please let me know what you guys think!

Crossed Lines

Chapter 1: Online and Offline

Art was an outlet for him. Any form of it. Sharing online was something that made him feel good and forget about everything else in life. Ciel loved to draw for other people, for the approval of other people. He didn’t know why he wanted to be liked so much. He supposed that most people did, he liked the attention. He didn’t get much of it from his family, his parents... 

He tried finding different fandoms to draw for. He started with simple anime, people seemed to like that. Some cartoons were common as well. Ciel was really fond of traditional, but from the time he was lurking around the internet, he discovered the digital side of art. He was really sparse for money, being only sixteen and a half, no job in sight quiet yet he could only hope for some good paper. Plus, his dad wasn’t super keen on his art. He thought that art wasn’t going to make him any money in the long run. Cie’s father wanted him to do something in the medical field like him. Ciel felt like he should hide his art, thus he couldn’t try new things with his art. 

He had gotten so much support online with this. He made a lot of friends through each fandom he drew for. He started to venture off from cartoons into some realism with plenty of YouTubers. Most of the time he was just looking for support anyway he could. His life felt quiet offline, like he was alone, no one but him. Online it was loud and he didn’t feel so alone. 

He started to watch this one guy. He was funny, he played a lot of games. Ciel never got into games really, but he’s commentary made it all the more interesting. He started to draw things from videos that he really liked. He felt silly about it, but he started to form a little crush on him. Ciel had never come to terms with who he liked. They all just sort of happened. And he felt okay with it. Though, he never fell for someone his own age, ever. It was a little embarrassing, to say the least. Sebastian was a whole 10 years older. Ciel didn’t even know him that well. He didn’t know him  _ at all _ . 

Ciel was always perfectly fine with the fact that his crushes never followed through. He was always going to be alone anyway. Or so he convinced himself. Being alone forced him into a depressive state. And out in public or in school gave him anxiety. He was afraid the only way he was able to be himself was through the screen of his computer. 

It didn’t take long for Ciel’s art to get noticed in Sebastian’s community online. It took him quite by surprise when Sebastian himself told him how he felt about his art. 

_ Terrific artwork, you’re really talented! _

Ciel was flushed. He had to read the username over a few times to himself just to believe it to be true. Sebastian had seen his work, and he liked it! He even thought he was talented. He really didn’t know what to say back but he didn’t want to miss an opportunity to talk with him, even if it wasn’t going to be much. 

_ Thank you!! I never thought you would see this, I enjoy your content a lot. It may seem silly but it helps me a lot and makes me happy.  _

Sebastian knew his content made a lot of people happy. Him just existing on this platform made people happy. He heard it a lot but it still always touched him to hear it directly.

_ Thank you, you don’t know how much that means to me. Since I have you, is it alright to ask if you take commissions? _

Ciel blinked. He had never been asked before. Would he want to do that? He would make money off of something that made him happy. 

_ Uh, sure, but I’ve never done one before, so forgive me if I don’t know what I’m doing, hah. _

_ That’s okay. Do you think you can do a thumbnail for me? In your preferred media, I’ll pay whatever you think your art is worth. _

_ ‘Whatever I think my art is worth?’  _ Ciel had never thought his art was worth anything. He didn’t know what to say.

_ I’m sorry, I’m not sure! Tell me what you’d like and I can look into it. Or we could come to an agreement on payment. I’m fine with anything.  _

_ Great, I can give you my email and we can go from there and you can contact me. I have some work that needs to be tending to. Thank you again! _

_ Yeah. No problem. _

Sebastian sent him his email soon after. Then things just sort of happened after that. After giving Sebastian his commission, he still continued to check in on him. It made Ciel feel special... it made him feel like they were actually friends. And with each back and forth message he fell a little more for him each time. 

They had been talking for 2 months. 2 months, every day after school, Ciel would send him, hello and Sebastian would ask how his day had been. It was usually a  _ fine,  _ or  _ It was okay.  _ Ciel’s school life was never the best. He tried really hard to keep his marks up but his depression made it hard. Once he got low marks, it was like a domino effect and he felt that everything he did was bad, that no matter how hard he tried it was just going to be bad. And it happened again, and again. He was grounded from his phone for a whole week. A whole week without Sebastian. It felt like a gray cloud had fallen over him that entire week he couldn’t talk to him. He felt so bad when he got his phone back and saw all of Sebastian’s messages to him. All wishing him well. Ciel never brought up his depression with Sebastian. He never liked to talk about it. Never really liked to talk about himself. He felt he was rather boring. That he was unimportant. It’s not like anyone would listen to him anyway. He put on a face for everyone. Slowly, through talking to Sebastian, his facade was slipping. Sebastian was slowly peeling away layers to Ciel’s feelings. 

One day, in particular, Ciel was having it worse than usual. But Ciel still wanted to talk with Sebastian he knew it would make him feel better. Ciel fiddled with his phone, the house quiet and alone, all usual. His stomach sank seeing a message from Sebastian already. He was hoping he had time to sort himself out before talking to him. But of course, Sebastian knew when Ciel got home, he told him, and they talked at the same time every day. He wanted to facetime so he had to keep it together. He had been slipping recently. A lot. 

Ciel took a small bit of time for himself and then gave Sebastian the okay. He was looking a little disheveled, he tried to make it look like everything was okay. He used his turtleneck to hide his face. That wasn’t unusual for Ciel so hopefully, Sebastian wouldn’t think too much of it. Ciel sat down in his bed and called him. When he answered Sebastian was sitting at his desk.

“Hi, are you busy? I could call back later.” Ciel asked. 

“No-no, I’m just finishing up this file. How are you today?”

“I’m fine, n-normal day I suppose...” Ciel shuffled on his bed and pulled his collar up over his mouth.

“Are you alone?” He turned toward his phone and it seemed as if he could see right through the facade already. 

Ciel pulled his collar up more and looked off to the side. “Yeah...” Ciel didn’t make eye contact with the screen of his phone. He looked distant and disconnected. Sebastian could tell.

“Are you really okay?” Sebastian had a focus on him now. That’s something Ciel really never had. Someone to support him and be there for him. Especially when he was stuck inside his own head for too long. 

“Actually...” Ciel pulled his face further into the turtleneck. “I feel awful...” 

It seemed like from that day on their friendship grew and they become closer. So much closer. Ciel was sharing his feelings more because he knew that Sebastian was going to listen and not judge him. Ciel was starting to seem happier but, depression is never that simple. 

Ciel was glad though. Talking helped, and he had never had someone to actually talk to. Not that Sebastian was a therapist or anything. He just listened and reassured him. Ciel really felt he connected with him. But Ciel’s feelings for him were also growing. He couldn’t help it any more than he needed to breathe. Sebastian was nice, caring and supportive. He gave Ciel butterflies. 

Ciel really couldn’t handle these feelings. It was probably very obvious, he didn’t know how Sebastian kept being his friend when he could tell Ciel had a massive crush on him. Maybe it wasn’t weird to him. But how could it not? He was just some kid with a crush on him. A fan with a crush on him. 

Sebastian was also a lawyer, so on days Sebastian was on court cases and couldn’t talk to Ciel, he was trying to keep himself occupied. Luckily one of his only real-life friends was able to be with him today. Ciel didn’t know what he would do if he had to be alone. They weren’t doing much, Ciel appreciated the company, more than his friend Alois knew. He was pretty close to him, knowing him since he was 5. Alois knew of the condition of Ciel’s mental health. He had always been there for him. From his first panic attack and all his depressive episodes. Alois had talked him down many times. Ciel felt able to confide in Alois, which is why he told him everything about Sebastian. 

He didn’t hide his feelings, he was very open about it, he usually was about all his crushes. Ciel seemed really happy when talking about Sebastian. Alois found it adorable actually.

Ever since Ciel had moved away, he seemed very distance, Alois could tell he wasn’t getting better getting farther away from him. Alois worried about him moving. He couldn’t walk across town when Ciel was in a panic. All he could do was help him over the phone. Which didn’t always help. Being there and actually being there with him were 2 different things. 

But Ciel felt bad because all he was thinking about was talking to Sebastian, when he could and how happy talking to him made him. Alois didn’t put it passed him, he could see how happy he was. Alois was happy for him. He didn’t mind hearing about it. 

“Are you hungry? We can go and stock the fridge for ya. I got my allowance yesterday. Whatever you want, name it!”

“You don’t have to do that. You earned that, it makes no sense to waste it on me.” Ciel shuffled on his bed against the wall.

“Come on, when’s the last time you had a full meal to fill you?” Alois watched him think. “And you’re parents left on a conference this weekend and what did they leave you with? I just threw out some moldy bread Ciel. Milk is curdled and your freezer is just ice trays, come on.” 

Ciel couldn’t deny the fact that his parents neglected him in that regard but he really didn’t want Alois to use his own money on him. “Really Alois, I’m fine.” 

Alois shook his head and stood up. “Come on, get your coat and shoes, you don’t have to talk to anyone, just get what you want.” 

“But Alois-” He was interrupted but his own stomach. The betrayal. Ciel groaned. “Whatever let me get my shoes.” Ciel stood up and went to his closet and pulled out a pair of shoes and a jacket.

Ciel reluctantly followed Alois out of the house and pulled his hood up. They made it quick and Alois even bought him a hot meal to eat now. 

“Why do you do these things for me?”

“Because I’m your friend and I love you, why else?”

“I really don’t deserve it.”   
  


“Of course you do. When’s the last time you did something for yourself?”

“That doesn’t matter.” Ciel took some fries from the bag. 

“You know what, I know you’re birthday is 2 months away but I’m gonna give you something really special. Can I see you’re phone?” 

Ciel raised an eyebrow and kind of held tight to his phone “Why?”

“Just give it, come on you’ll thank me later!”   
  


Ciel slowly pushed his arm out and Alois swiped it from him. Alois was going through his phone with ease, able to navigate and find what he was looking for. “What are you doing?” Ciel was anxious. “Hey give it back now!” 

“Fine fine, here.” Ciel took his phone back and looked at it. “Did you really just change my home screen wallpaper?” Ciel was very confused. 

“I thought it might cheer you up!” It looked very innocent, just a picture of them. 

Ciel shook his and smiled at him, “You’re so stupid sometimes.” He laughed. 

“Come on, let’s get the groceries put away in your fridge and cupboards.” They went back to Ciel’s house and filled out the kitchen. Alois felt better about this. Ciel had eaten and he had things in his house to eat. “There!” Alois looked proud of himself. “I’m ready for a nap, will you be okay?” 

“Yeah, I think I’ll take a bath.”

“Okay yell for me if you need anything!” Alois went back to Ciel’s room and went to take a nap in Ciel’s bed. Ciel went to the bathroom to soak the stress away. Ciel went to the bathroom, one of the only places he feels comfortable being alone. Ciel filled the tub with warm water and added bubbles. Ciel undressed and hopped in. Not too long into his bath, he’s phone dinged. Once he noticed it was Sebastian he got real excited. But he was a little confused from the preview text. 

_ ‘I mean we've been talking for a while, I can see why...’ _

“What..?”

_ ‘I mean we've been talking for a while, I can see why you’d wanna meet. I’m not against it. Let’s figure out a time when I’m not super busy okay? I’d really like to meet you in person too!’ _

“WHAT!” Ciel scrolled up a bit to where this came from.

_ ‘I know this may seem out of nowhere but I wanted to ask if you wanted to meet up and hang out? I know you’re busy, so get back to me when you can!’ _

“ALOIS!” Ciel nearly dropped his phone in the water. 

_ ‘Shit shit shit shit!’  _

Ciel could easily fix this if he wanted to. Just explain how he let his friend have his phone and let him do stupid shit. Or. Or he could keep it like this, he said he didn’t mind. Ciel felt butterflies. 

No. If they meet Ciel didn’t think he could keep his feelings to himself. Ciel didn’t know how he could deal if that barrier of the internet between them was broken. Ciel put his phone to his mouth and thought about it. More and more he did the more excited he got. But no he couldn’t.

Ah why did Alois do this? Now he had this dilemma to work through. Should he go; should he not? This didn’t seem like a big deal but at the same time it was to him. He was going to have this on his mind for a long time. He put his phone down on the counter and sunk into the water. So much for his relaxing bath. 

Nothing but the sound of a few drops from the faucet and drip into the water. Ciel’s heart throbbed in his chest, he didn’t know if he could do this. Maybe it could be different. Maybe his feelings would stop or go away. Ciel sighed. 

Ciel’s fingers played underneath the water, barely grazing the surface. His eyes watched, the bubbles moving around his arm. Ciel crossed his arms and pulled his legs in. 

Ciel didn’t know how long he sat there. He cleared his head of all his thoughts. He got out and dried himself off. He got into some pajamas. He felt all calm after his bath. He looked at his phone, it was getting late. Just then a message came through,

_ ‘Oh have a good night Ciel. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, promise!’ _

There was that fluttering again. And then he decided, he was going to meet him. It was the last thought in his mind before he fell asleep with a smile on his face.

  
  
  
  



	2. Everything’s Okay Until It’s Not

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There’s a lot of information for a chapter 2 but I’m really just trying to get the ball rolling tbh. Leave kudos and comments to let me know what you think!

Chapter 2

Everything’s Okay

Until it’s Not

Happiness was hard for him to describe. To be happy was something he tried and failed at feeling for a long time. He felt close to being okay but okay was never going to be good enough when he felt alone most of the time. 

It took a lot of effort to convince his mother to let him go to London this weekend. He made up the excuse that he was going to visit his aunt. He hadn’t seen her in almost 7 years, it was a valid excuse as any. 

“It’s just the weekend, and I’ll pay my own way!” Ciel was pleading. He really needed this short trip.

“Ciel, I don’t know if I’m comfortable with you going alone...” 

“I’m almost 17, practically an adult!” It was easier to convince his mother rather than his dad, that’s why he went to her first.

“Practically isn’t, actually, Ciel...” she sighed. “If I let you go, do you promise to call me when you get there?”

“Yes! Yes absolutely! I also may be meeting a friend down there if that’s okay too?”

“A friend? You don’t have any friends down there. Alois doesn’t live there.”

“It’s not Alois, just a friend!” Ciel was convinced that she was implying that Ciel had no other friends.

“Do I know them?”

“No, but Madam will be there mom I promise!” Ciel’s fingers were crossed. It was true he planned to see his aunt but he wasn’t going to stay at her house. He would be staying with Sebastian. 

“Alright, Ciel. Now I really need to finish these papers.”

“Okay.”

Ciel knew she loved him, but he never quite felt it. They never spent time together. That was the most time he had spent with his mother in weeks, and his chest hurt. The way she shooed him away after their brief conversation. 

He got what he wanted anyway. He wanted to be excited but there was this pit in his stomach.

-/-/-/-/-

It was Friday and he was leaving for the station after school. Ciel was taking a train and Sebastian promised to get him at the station. He had been messaging him all day. He hoped he wouldn't be a burden to Sebastian. He had expressed this a lot. Taking up his weekend made him feel crummy. Ciel often thought that Sebastian was just too kind to say no. 

But Sebastian was actually enthusiastic about his visit. It made Ciel’s heart swell reading his messages. Taking pictures at the station showing Ciel he was waiting for him. He felt a bit flustered. 

Ciel had made a point to call his mother before leaving on the train. It rang and rang and until it hit the monotone sound of his mother’s voicemail. He tried a few more times till he just decided to leave a message, reluctantly. 

The train arrived at the station a little after 4:30. Ciel could actually see him out his window. He got so nervous actually seeing him in person. It was like a dream come true. Ciel was so shy he didn’t know what to say when approaching him. 

“Hey, glad you got here okay. Are you hungry? We should go get dinner before heading to my flat.” 

“Ye-yeah, sounds good.” Ciel flushed pink. He was going to be going to Sebastian’s place. But first they were going to dinner.  _ Together. Alone.  _

“What are you hungry for, I’ll buy.”

“Y-you don’t have to do that I have money.”

“You’re my guest I insist.” 

Ciel felt a hard lump in his throat. Sebastian shouldn’t feel obligated to pay for him. Ciel was imposing on him by staying at his place anyhow.

“Maybe pizza?” 

Pizza was an easy option. Ciel liked pizza, just pepperoni, usually. He felt a bit boring like that. 

There was a pizza place not too far from the station. They took a seat inside and shared a pizza. Well, shared was a complicated word. It seemed Sebastian wasn’t all that hungry. 

They packed up the leftover pizza and took it back to Sebastian’s place. The flat was actually pretty big. Upstairs, main level and even a third under them. It must have cost a lot. 

“I thought maybe we could make a gaming video together, are you okay with that?”

“I'm pretty camera shy...but I can definitely try, it sounds fun.”

“I’m supposed to go live later, wanna game then?”

“Yes, yeah.” Ciel couldn’t stop smiling. And it wasn’t a fake smile either. It was his genuine smile. 

“Sounds good, I’m gonna set up, wanna come down and take a look?”

It really felt like he was dreaming, but he nodded. He was very excited. They went down to the third level, it was just a room, really. It was a good enough size for Sebastian to have all his equipment in. 

“I got another chair right here.” Sebastian pulled up a computer chair and put it next to his. “Take a seat.” He smiled, and Ciel smiled too. “What should we play? I had a couple of ideas, but, what would you like to do?”

“I..I don’t know I really don’t play video games.” Ciel shrugged. He felt out of place a bit. He was out of his element. 

“ S’okay! I have some simple games that you’ll get the hang of quickly.” Sebastian set everything up and they got started. 

Things were going very well and Ciel was having fun. He was pretty good at the games. He was interacting with chat and he was laughing. He was so happy. They’re was a lot of back and forth banter. Back and forth banter somehow turned into flirting

Ciel wasn’t sure how it got to this. But Ciel could definitely tell it was flirting. He was getting close to him, touching his shoulder and looking him directly in the eyes. Ciel felt the heat in his cheek as he dared to flirt back.

“Jump!” 

“I know what I’m doing!” Ciel laughed. 

“Oh sure, mister I’ve never played video games~!” Sebastian tried to trip him up and push his hands away but Ciel was in the zone.

“No! You can’t do that! Hah!” Ciel shoulder bumped him. “I’ll have to start over jerk!”

“You’re not gonna beat me!”

“Hey! No cheating, bastad!” Ciel was giggling and missed a jump. Ciel turned and pushed his shoulders. “You distracted me!”

“I still rein as the top high score!” Sebastian chuckled.

“No fair Sebastian, rematch!” 

“Nope, you lost.” Sebastian shook his head. 

“Nyeh!” Ciel stuck his tongue back at him. 

“No need to be a sore loser Ciel.” 

Ciel sat back in his chair and crossed his arms and pretended to pout. 

“Oh Ciel, don’t be like that.”

“What should I be like?” Sebastian pulled his arms from his crossed position. Ciel got flustered. 

“Let’s play another game, I’ll let you win~” 

Ciel just smiled and shook his head. Sebastian let go of his arms and they sat there in a comfortable silence. But Sebastian’s eyes were drawing Ciel in and he just closed his eyes. It was fast but he felt Sebastian press his lips against his and it was almost like he was dreaming. The moment Sebastian pulled off, Ciel opened his eyes. And then he fell over.

“Ciel? Ciel, are you okay??” Sebastian was quick to help him up, but he was out cold.

Sebastian had to cut the stream short to help up Ciel. That and some of the comments were getting unruly.

_ What just happened?? _ _   
  
_

_ Did he drug him? _

_ Isn’t he like 16? A little young for you? _

Shit.

/-/-/-/-/-

It had been a few hours. Sebastian’s mind was racing. The tweeting and commenting wouldn’t stop. He turned off his phone so he could focus on Ciel. He was still out but Sebastian had so many questions. How could he have not known? Ciel was so innocent it couldn’t have been obvious? Sebastian had been worrying about him though. He got him a cool washcloth for his forehead and some water for when he woke up. He didn’t want to be mad at him. There was no reason to be really. Maybe he was just mad at himself. Flirting with him and possibly leading him on. 

He sat there and watched him. Sebastian had laid him on the couch. He was so small. So very light. Maybe even fragile. How much did he  _ really  _ know about Ciel if he didn’t even know how old he was. What else has he not told him? 

Sebastian didn’t know what he was going to say when Ciel woke up. He knew he couldn’t stay here. He had to set boundaries back up. Something he always did. 2 steps forward, 5 steps backward. But he really couldn’t help the way he cared for him. He could still care for him, just not on such a level. 

Sebastian sighed, he heard Ciel stir and stared at him, watching his eyes slowly open. He prepared the water.

“Ciel? Are you okay? I got you some water.”

Ciel had sat up and took the glass. He could remember everything. He felt absolutely humiliated. The first time he has been kissed by him and he faints. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. He wasn’t supposed to flirt with him back and forth. He wasn’t supposed to kiss him. He was supposed to stuff his feelings down because there was no way. No way Sebastian would feel the way Ciel felt for him. A kid. A fan. 

“Look, I know you probably feel overwhelmed, but I need to talk to you about what happened.” Ciel only looked into his glass and Sebastian continued. “I’m sorry for...well, the kiss. It wasn’t my intention. I didn’t know you were 16. And that’s not your fault either, but I need to take responsibility as an adult, so, I’m sorry but you have to leave.” It might have been sufficient enough, it might have gotten to the point. 

Maybe a little too much.

Ciel was embarrassed, maybe even a little heartbroken it had to be like this. Ciel felt his chest and a  _ hic  _ escape his throat. He covered his mouth, even more embarrassed than before to start crying in front of him. Yes he was upset and overwhelmed. Everything was coming together and he was feeling happy again but now he felt he was just ruining it for himself. Always letting his feelings get the better of him.

“Please don’t make me go home...” Ciel looked like a kicked puppy and Sebastian swallowed the pang in his heart.

“You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here with me okay?”

“Please don’t hate me.” Sebastian was his friend and he would hope it would stay that way in light of things. “Please don’t stop being my friend...”

“Ciel I don’t hate you, and I don’t want to stop being your friend either. But I can only be just your friend, okay?” Sebastian went to go put his hand on his shoulder but Ciel shook it away.

“I know, alright? I knew it would have to be this way. I thought I could keep it to myself and everything would be okay because I needed you. You’re there for me and I need you. You’re the only person that makes me feel less alone.” 

Ciel felt these waves of emotions and he couldn’t help himself. All he wanted was to be close to him. Sometimes Ciel got too close and his feelings always got the better of him.

“I’m sorry..” Ciel whipped his face. “I’m sorry I caused you so much trouble..” 

“Ciel, it’s alright. I love having you as my friend, you’re not any trouble at all.” Sebastian wasn’t heartless, the way Ciel got all choked up really hurt him.

“Would it be too much to ask of you if you could take me to my aunt’s? She lives nearby, so I can be out of your way. But...can I ask you something?”

“What is it?” 

“I want to stay with her...live with her. I don’t want to go home...” Ciel was watching for his reaction. He didn’t feel like this till he got here. He had always wanted to leave home. Anywhere but home felt better than actually being home.

“What do you mean?” Sebatian knew things at home weren’t okay for Ciel, but bringing him up now, in light of the situation, didn’t look good. Maybe Ciel wanted pity, but he knew him. Knew how he was. It wasn’t completely out of character.

“I-I need you to be my aunt’s lawyer. I know it’ll be up to her, but I want to live with her. Coming here...felt like an escape. I knew I would have to go home soon...but....I don’t know you saying I have to go now made me panic and realize how much I really don’t wanna be there. Don’t want to be ignored...I don’t want to be alone...” Ciel eyes were always sad, but while he was here he had a certain twinkle and he seemed to glow. It was the happiest he had ever been. Sebastian had certainly noticed it. Now it just seemed Sebastian had ruined things for him With that damned kiss he had broken him. He didn’t know if he could ever forgive himself. 

“Of course.” Ciel was teary eyed still, his chest hurt but he felt a little bit better.

“Thank you...I’m sorry...” 

“There’s no need to be sorry, just calm down okay....I don’t want to take you to your aunt upset.”

Ciel whipped his tears. “I will probably get upset too...” 

Sebastian gave him a tissue. “Better than bottling up.” Ciel nodded and took the tissue gratefully. 

“Thank you... you really still want to be friends with me? Even if I- um...” Ciel’s eyes stared off into the hallway. He had never actually admitted it outloud to him. He didn’t know if he actually could.

“Of course I do Ciel.” 

Ciel smiled and it was happy. “I’m so glad.”

Sebastian bit his lip, his smile, it was worth a lot to him. He didn’t know how his heart could handle being so close to him as only his friend but he had to. 

“I can make you some tea and then I’ll take you over okay?” 

Ciel only nodded.

-/-/-/-/-

A few hours passed and things calmed down. Ciel calmed down. Sebastian had taken Ciel to his aunt’s home. She didn’t live too far from Sebastian’s home in London. Ciel was starting to get anxious again. He didn’t know what he was going to say. He hadn’t seen his aunt in a while. She didn’t even know he was coming. Even though he had already told his mother that he was coming to visit her. 

This was already crazy. He just watched the trees outside. It didn’t curb his anxiety at all. 

He didn’t know what she would say, or even if she wanted to be his guardian. What if she says no? What if she thinks he’s being silly? What was he to say or do then? He held his shirt tightly, clenching and pulling. He looked uncomfortable. He tried closing his eyes a bit to level his head. 

“Hey are you okay?”

Ciel was interrupted from his thoughts, which was much needed. “Um...I’m fine...” Ciel tried not to look his way.

“Ciel, it’s okay. Do you need a minute? I can pull off.” Ciel’s emotions had been so up and down. Sebastian didn’t want to upset him anymore. “Do you want to talk about it?” Ciel only shook his head. 

“It might make you feel better...You look stressed....” Sebastian looked concerned. Ciel looked over at him. 

“What if she doesn’t want me?” Ciel pondered out loud this time. He turned the window again.

“What? Why would you say that?”

“W-well... maybe she doesn’t want a kid hanging around...she is single...”

“Well, I’m sure she loves you. Why would she turn you away, you’re her nephew after all right?”

“Sometimes I feel that the people who love me don’t want me...” 

“Don’t say that...” Sebastian felt bad. Sebastian may not have known the limits of Ciel’s depression. Thinking nobody wanted him. Sebastian was instinctive to try and comfort him. He took his hand and overwhelmed him. 

He looked at their hands and looked back at Sebastian who was looking forward still driving. He let him hold his hand for the remainder of the drive.

It wasn’t long then when they arrived. Ciel was nervous, only holding on to Sebastian. She wasn’t scary, he was just scared of what she’ll say. Sure she may say she missed him a lot but will she want him to stay?

“Hey, I’m sure she’ll be happy to see you.” 

“I-I know I just...”

“Just take a second.”

“I haven’t seen her in 6 years...” Ciel only wanted to hold on to him tighter. He swallowed hard and stared at the house. “I’m sorry, you didn’t have to do this.”   
  
“What do you mean? You asked me, and you were so upset I couldn’t say no. I want to help you, okay?” Sebastian smiled at him and reassured him.

“Thank you...” Ciel nodded. He slowly let go of his arm and blushed. How long had he been holding on like that? Almost the entire car ride? How embarrassing. Clinging to him like that. Does Sebastian think he’s clinging now? He wiped his face and took a deep breath. No time to think about that now. “I’m ready. You can wait here if you want?”   
  


“I can be right behind you if you prefer?”

Ciel was quick to nod. “Yes please.” 

Sebastian chuckled slightly. They got out of the car. And Ciel stood there a moment, tapping his fingers together, trying to find composure. He kept his head down as he walked to the front door. He was quick to know before he chickened out. It didn’t take her long to answer the door. 

She was quite surprised, Ciel has changed so much since he was little. 

“Hi, Madam, um surprise....?”

“Oh Ciel. It’s been so so long, come here.” She was right quick to hug him. 

“Aha, it’s good to see you too, Madam...oh um, I hope you don’t mind, I brought my friend.” Ciel gestured to Sebastain. 

“Hi, ma'am.” He gave a wave. “I’m Sebastian...but I’m not here just to meet you, right Ciel? You wanted to ask her something?” Sebastian knew Ciel wasn’t going to spit it out himself. 

“Oh...um...Madam can we come inside please?” Now Ciel was looking stressed again, Madam surely noticed. 

“What’s the matter, are you in trouble Ciel?” She worried about him everyday. She hadn’t seen him in a long while but she still thought about him a lot.

They went inside as Ciel began to explain. “Um...now, before you say anything, I want you to really listen to me.” Madam nodded. “At home...” Ciel wasn’t sure how to say it without it sounding stupid. 

_ “I’m not getting enough attention at home!”  _ That just sounded so shitty and stupid. 

“I-I feel extremely....no I mean...I...” Ciel started to get choked up. “I know it’s gonna sound so stupid...” Teary eyed once again. He couldn’t look her in the eyes. “I’m alone at home so often...I’m sorry I...I don’t know how I’m supposed to say this....” Madam looked confused. “Mom and dad don’t ever hear me when I have a problem....I’ve got so many things going on in my head and I don’t have anyone to go to. I just...I just want to be somewhere where I have someone to listen to me when I have a problem...I..I want to stay with you. Please....please let me stay...please don’t make me go home, I can’t...” Ciel didn’t want to look up at her. He was afraid to. 

But to his surprise, she hugged him. She stroked his hair and tried to get him to relax. “It’s alright Ciel....” She sighed. “There’s no need to get so upset. I’m here for you.... I’ll listen to you.” She knelt down in front of him. “But why do you think you need to be here?” Ciel looked to the side. This was the opposite of what he wanted to hear. 

“Because I know nothing will change if I go home. Maybe it’ll be different for a few days, but they’ll just go back to their usual ways of working a lot and never check up on me. I-I just need a better environment or I feel I will never get better. I was afraid you wouldn’t want me...or you would think I’m being silly. But I’m not happy. I haven’t been happy for a long time. Nobody knows, nobody asks. I try to be open about it but nobody listens....” Ciel didn’t feel like anything he was saying was hitting a cord with her. A trembling feeling started in his chest. 

Sebastian wished there was more he could do to help. Ciel seemed absolutely helpless. Ciel looked almost ghostly pale, his eyes spread of panic and his arms wouldn’t let go of his shoulders. He looked on the verge of another panic attack if he’s aunt told him no. Which furthered the reasoning, Ciel was scared to go home. Ciel was scared that things would never get better and he would always feel miserable.

“Okay.” 

Ciel must have heard his ears ring. He clenched his shirt, eyes shaking, wondering if he miss heard.

“Ciel I haven’t seen you in 6 years. You’re totally different than that happy 10 year old I remember. And I wondered everyday when I would see you. I haven’t heard from your mother, my own sister, in 6 years. If she doesn’t have time to check in on anyone, maybe you are better off in a different environment. And, ah...Robert...he’s a different story. He never seemed affectionate towards you.”

Ciel looked a little confused. “ I—who’s Robert?”

Now Madam was the one to look confused. “Your mother still hasn’t told you...?” She waited for a reaction but his silence was enough. “Ciel, you’re father died before you were born, he got very sick and your mom met Robert at the hospital he died at.”

  
  


“What are you saying to me? That’s— that’s crazy! Why wouldn’t mom say something!” Ciel looked frazzled.

“Robert was very good at working his way in with your mother. He probably still is if you still don’t know. He made this illusion... I could never fall for it. Vincent was a completely different man than Robert. I’m guessing he did this on purpose, convincing your mother discreetly to isolate her from her family or your father’s family. When’s the last time you saw your cousins?”

“I...I don’t remember what's going on...Aunt Red...” Ciel’s insides hurt and he didn’t know why. Was it because he had been lied to, lied to for so long? If anything this strained the relationship further. 

Sebastian watched this all unfold before him and he didn’t know what to say or do. He felt he was intruding on this family affair. 

“Ciel I’m sorry...I thought your mother would have told you by now.” Madam put his hands on his shoulder. “Maybe it’s better for you...look at you, so upset. Maybe it might be just me missing you...but Ciel look at you...” She sighed. “You can stay forever if you’d like, I wouldn’t mind it.” 

“Thank you...oh, this is why Sebastian is here too, he said he would help. He’s a lawyer.”

“I see. Well, it’s much appreciated. Where should we start from then?” She smiled and Ciel took a deep breath out. It was so relieving. But he knew it wasn’t going to be easy, not in the slightest. This new information had taken Ciel on a rollercoaster of confusion. How could his mother never have said something? How could he trust her if she kept something so big from him? That wasn’t fair. 

He was still upset. But he hid it while Madam and Sebastian talked. He felt like such a bother. He had intruded on their lives now. He really didn’t have to, it wasn’t the end of the world. But when he was in a panic it felt like it. 

He didn’t pay attention to their conversation. He was just kind of there. He wasn’t really prepared for all that was to come. The stress of wondering if Madam was going to win custody or if he had to go back home. Nothing would change. Ciel would get stuck in the same rut, the level of depression would worsen. 

“Ciel, hey..” Ciel was brought back but the sound of Sebastian’s voice. “In order for this to work, we have to show you are better off living here with your aunt. I need you to still go to school.”

“I-I, it’s too far from here and.. and I don’t know if I...school’s j-just...”

“Listen, Ciel, school’s a very important part of this. If it will make you feel better, you can’t try to enroll online and finish off the year from home. But there is another thing, just changing environment isn’t going to completely help your anxiety and depression. You have to talk to someone okay?”

“I—I don’t know... just opening up to you was hard...”

“I can come with if it’ll make you feel better.” 

“Sebastian, you don’t have to...” Why was Sebastian so nice to him?

“Anything to help you get through it.” 

Ciel was grateful for him. So grateful. If only Sebastian knew how much he meant to him. How much he had gotten him through just by being himself. 

“Okay...okay...” He wiped away the tears that threaten to fall. He rubbed his eyes. But he had always been emotional. Always a sensitive child. It was no different today. But these were happy tears. Everything felt like it was going to be okay. So why was there this sharp pain in his chest?

  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	3. Soft Hearts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ciel and Sebastian have things to work out but surely it'll be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know why i had such trouble writing this. This might be trigging for some people? I don't know, this chapter is dealing with mental health stuff and I think that's why I had trouble writing it. This story will delve more into it too so just a little warning.  
> Please tell me what you think and leave some comments or come talk to me on twitter, insta or tumblr. I really wanna know what you guys think and people talking about my stories makes me happy!! Thank you for reading and please stay safe!!

Chapter 3 

Soft Hearts

Ciel felt guilty. He felt guilty and selfish talking to his mother on the phone. After Madam had talked to her about the situation she had called Ciel over and over again and he finally answered. He was calm at first and they talked back and forth. He felt guilty hearing her cry for him to come home. Ciel didn’t know what to say, so he just listened. She wasn’t yelling at him or scolding; she wasn’t angry, she was scared of losing her child and that made Ciel feel very guilty. 

“Ciel, I’m sorry I never said anything about your dad. It’s been very hard. I just want you to come home.” It had obviously been very hard, and Ciel understood that but it seemed his mom didn’t fully understand. 

  
“Mama, you know that’s only part of the reason. You have no idea what’s going on with me.” Ciel sighed, trying to contain his emotions, but he was hurt. 

“You’ve never talked about it, you never asked for help!” 

“Yes I have!” Ciel yelled back, frustration in his voice. “I tried, but you were always too busy for me..”   
  


“Ciel...” 

“Last year, when I passed out after not eating for a week and a half, that was a cry for help. Yes, I was stressed but it was a lot more than that. When my grades started to slip it wasn’t because I stopped caring or bc I was lazy like da... he put it.” Ciel didn’t want to expel all the things depression did to him because he didn’t think she would understand it. And Ciel certainly couldn’t handle it. It was hard for him to explain, all he did was feel like a fraud. 

“Ciel, come home and we’ll talk about this, just please come home.” 

Ciel was silent for a long time. She wasn’t understanding, just wanting him home. Maybe he wasn’t explaining himself enough. Was she selfish, or was he? Were either of them selfish? She continued to call for him to come home but Ciel didn’t have the words to make her understand. Maybe once she was a little calmer he could explain, but not at this point in time

“I can’t come home. I’m trying to help myself and being home only makes it harder.” Ciel felt this pain in his chest as she became quiet. 

“This is normal for a teenager at your age Ciel, just come home and we’ll talk.” She wasn’t going to be reasoned with at this time. 

“I’m not coming home.” Ciel sighed and hung up on her. Ciel had felt tears prick his eyes the entire call. They rolled down his cheeks and his chin trembled. He rubbed his eyes with his arm but tears still fell. His chest hurt, he threw his phone down on the bed and rubbed his face. He had enough of people today, he just wanted to curl up in the bed and cry.

Well that’s what he would have done if his phone hadn’t started ringing again. He picked it up to decline the call only to see it was Sebastian. Sebastian was very good at deciphering his emotions but he knew if he didn’t answer Sebastian was bound to worry. Ciel swallowed and answered the phone, “What..” He didn’t mean to sound cold but he was tired and upset but he didn’t want Sebastian to know that. 

“Am I really not worth a hello?” Ciel could hear a bit of a chuckle and Ciel loosened up.

“I’m sorry...I’m tired...it’s been a long day.” Ciel let out a sigh. 

“Are you okay?” Sebastian was going to worry anyway. “Are you alone? Did your aunt leave for work?”

“Ah, yeah, I told her not to worry about me, she needs to work. It’d be selfish of me to ask her to stay when she has a duty to the hospital.” Ciel rolled over in the bed, getting comfy. 

“Are you sure you’re okay? I could come over so you...er I could stay on the call, whatever you want.” The worry in his voice was more prominent. “Just say the word.”

Ciel shook his head, even though Sebastian couldn’t see it. “No, I think I just need to sleep...Stay on till I fall asleep?”

There was a bit of rustling, “Of course.” Ciel smiled, Sebastian’s voice was gruff and it made Ciel feel calm. Soon he was out. 

-/-/-/-/-

Ciel didn’t sleep very long, he was awoken by the doorbell. Ciel grumbled and rubbed his eyes. His phone vibrated.

_ ‘Sorry to wake you, I just came to check on you...can you let me in?’  _

Ciel crawled from the bed and sighed. This man sure cared so much. Ciel couldn’t understand how someone could care so much about him. He made his way down stairs to the front door. He opened the door and Sebastian was right there. 

“I told you I was fine.”

“I know you don’t like to be alone.”   
  


Ciel looked defeated, he looked off to the side and welcomed him in. Ciel was a little embarrassed by how he looked, his hair was disheveled and he wore a big shirt and pants. He played with his hair while he went to the sink to fetch something to drink for the two of them. 

He did feel better that Sebastian was there, he never had him around him just on the phone. It really did make him feel better.

Ciel handed him a glass and Sebastian thanked him. Ciel sat on the other end of the couch, stuffed in the corner and curled his legs up and hugged them to his chest.

“Are you okay?” Sebastian’s voice was soft and it made Ciel want to tell him everything. 

“I— it’s been a long day. I guess I’m just trying to process everything. It’s hard...and I feel guilty...” Ciel played with a few strains of his hair, twirling them between his fingers. 

“Why do you feel guilty?”

“My mom called...and she was...upset. It just made me feel bad.”

“I don’t think you’re a bad person for wanting to help yourself. She just doesn’t understand right now, so don’t feel bad.” 

Maybe Ciel needed to hear it. Maybe he could feel better. Ciel nodded. Ciel was so drained emotionally he didn’t talk much. Sebastian didn’t blame him, nor did he mind the silence. If Ciel wanted to say something, he would say it.

They hadn’t been alone since Ciel was at his house. Ciel thought that maybe if he pretended he wasn’t thinking about it, or the kiss, or everything that followed, Sebastian wouldn’t notice how badly he wanted to cry. Or he could also play it off by saying he was tired, which was always the excuse. It was easy to say you were tired rather than explaining how mental illness worked. Or how it worked for Ciel. 

But Sebastian could already see it in his face as he leaned his head to the back of the couch. All his features seemed to point down permanently. No reminance of a smile ever being there. A real smile, not a happy for show kind of smile. Those smiles left a nasty feeling in the pit of Ciel’s stomach. They were so easy to make people think he was happy. It was easy when no one really noticed. Sebastian wanted to peel back all his layers of fake happiness and free him from his own gray prison. 

Ciel felt his eyes burning into him and his face felt red. “Thank you..” Ciel’s voice was soft, a little raspy and quiet. “Thank you for everything. I’m scared of a lot of things right now but you make me feel brave anyway.” 

“I’m glad I can do that for you.” The corners of his mouth turned up into a smile and it made Ciel’s stomach do all sorts of flips. Ciel looked down and tried to hide the sheepish smile with his palm, resting his arm on his knee. 

Sebastian always seemed to sneak his way around his Ciel’s mood and make him feel better. Ciel didn’t know anyone could do that. Alois never pushed, he offered his hand alway but he never pushed. Sebastian pushed and hard and Ciel didn’t know how much he needed it till Sebastian pushed his walls down just to help Ciel up. Sebastian had no idea how much he had done; how deep down Ciel had buried himself and how deep Sebastian went just to get him up. Ciel had made his grave many times before and he nearly drowned in it. Maybe this time he can fill in that hole in the ground with Sebastian’s help for good. 

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

A week had passed and Ciel found himself in a doctor’s office. The way it smelled and the tidiness of it all made him uncomfortable and anxious. His aunt had set him an appointment with a therapist she was friends with for a thursday. Ciel was nervous to meet someone new, let alone tell her how he was feeling. He didn’t know if he was going to be able to speak at all. He could completely break down and run away like he always did. That’s why Sebastian was there, not that he could go into the session with him but having him there eased it a little. 

He talked to the receptionist and she had him sign in, then handed him a clipboard to fill out some information. One page was for health information and the other was a chart that asked how he felt recently with bubbles saying not at all, rarely, sometimes and all the time and a number rating at the bottom. He filled out his health info easily. But when he got to the questions about how he was doing he was nervous. He was nervous it was going to be really bad and he couldn’t be helped. 

He was silent for a real long time. He tapped his pen, making dots at the corner of the page. The first one about Anxiety. 

_ Worries, anticipates the worst, fearful anticipation, irritability.  _

He pressed the back end of the pen to his lips. 

x  _ Sometimes _

The second about Tension. 

_ Feelings of tension, fatigability, startle response, moved to tears easily, trembling, feelings of restlessness, inability to relax. _

Ciel swallowed, moving between rarely and sometimes. Maybe it was all the time? He started to nervous scratch his hand. 

_ x Sometimes _

The third, fear. 

_ Of dark, of strangers, of being left alone, of animals, of traffic, of crowds. _

_ x All the time _

He countied, a nervous habit every now and then. 

26 total. 

Mild to Moderate he determined. That didn’t sound so bad. If it wasn’t so bad would she still help him? Nervous scratching started again.

“Are you okay?” Sebastian’s voice startled him. “You’ve been staring at the paper a while.”

Ciel scratched his cheek. “Oh, ah, I ‘m fine, just making sure I did everything.” Ciel stood up to hand the clipboard of papers back. 

“Thank you, Dr. Lee will be out to see you in just a moment, please have a seat.” 

Ciel nodded and picked at his fingers as he walked back to the chair next to Sebastian. Sebastian nudged him gently. “Do you want a mint to suck on? Distract you for a little bit?” Ciel shook his head. His knee bounced slowly. He picked at his fingers again. 

Sebastian watched him fidget a moment, he looked to the side and decided it would be better to hold his hand to stop his picking. “Sorry, I didn’t want you hurting yourself, is this okay?” 

Ciel stopped bouncing his leg and looked at their hands. Sebastian’s hand was soft and he held on to Ciel’s fingers gently, almost nervously. Ciel could feel his heartbeat pulse through his hands and he just hoped that Sebastian didn’t notice how fast it got. He looked away, “It’s okay...” He mumbled. 

This was harmless, really. The small amount of contact they shared wasn’t trouble. Though Sebastian doubted, he didn’t want to lead him on. Ciel was probably one heartache away from being too broken to fix and he didn’t want to be that reason.

“Ciel?” A woman stood in the glass doorway. Glasses hanging from a chain swayed when she scanned the room only to find the two in chairs in the corner. Ciel gave a glance to Sebastian then back to her. She gave a welcoming smile but Ciel still stood with a shake. He folded his hands together in front of himself and walked with his head down. 

“I’ll be right here.” Sebastian said as he walked back passed the glass door. 

Ciel walked a fair bit behind her, a nervous distance but she waited for him and gave him his space. They traveled down the hallway and stopped in front of a door with a plaque that read _ Dr. Alexis Lee.  _

She told him to come in and take a seat. The room was small but not tiny. He sat in one of the chairs farther back. The doctor took a seat at her desk. She clipped a manilla folder to a clipboard. It had Ciel's name written on the front of it so he assumed it was his file. 

“Hello Ciel, I’m Dr. Lee. How are you feeling today?” Her voice was calm, and it made the room slightly more comfortable. 

“I’m okay..” Ciel was quiet, quick to hide. He kept his eyes elsewhere in the room, taking in the environment. There were positive posters with positive sayings on them, a poster about emotions and posters about mental illness and so on and so forth. 

“I’ve talked to your aunt a little about what’s going on, but I really want to hear your perspective and how you feel about everything too. It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about everything. Just tell me what you’re comfortable telling and we will work on the uncomfortable stuff later and how to deal with it individually.” She clicked a pen open and was ready to take note. Ciel didn’t know how to start and was looking around the room again, folding and unfolding his hands. “Take as long as you need. You have a whole hour. Use it how you want to. But I’ll listen to whatever you have to say okay? Nothing leaves this room unless you say so, okay?”

Ciel took a deep breath. He realized that only good could happen from talking about it. She was here to help. And Ciel could only be helped if he let her. 

“I’m by myself a lot. I think my parents started to leave me home by myself when I was maybe 10 or 11. They started working a lot more and I saw them a lot less. I’ve told them a couple of times that I didn’t really like to be alone at the start of it. My dad...well that’s another thing, but he said I was ungrateful because all we had was because they worked a lot. And it made me feel like I was selfish and ungrateful so I didn’t bring it up again.” Ciel swallowed trying to figure out his words and thoughts so they made sense. “School was never fun. Kids made fun of me because I was quiet. Which always confused me. I never said anything to them or about them so why did they have so much against me? I don’t know...I’ve had one good friend that entire time and then we moved and I moved schools and now he’s far away. So I didn’t have the company when I really needed it. There’s a thing about being alone that gives me time to think, a little too much time at least I think so...” The doctor was quiet and listened as Ciel talked. She took note of his body language as well, closed off and far away. 

“I felt extremely isolated from my family. I hadn’t seen my aunt until recently for 6 years. I started to think that they didn’t want to be around me, they never really made an effort to anyway. They only care when my grades are bad, even then I struggle a lot to keep at least a C. It’s not that I’m not smart, I feel like I am. I hope I am... I draw a lot, it helps me relax. I guess it’s a coping mechanism.” 

“It feels good to draw, that’s good. How often do you draw?”

“I want to draw more. I always felt like I had to hide it. He thought it was a distraction so I hid it.” Ciel fiddled with his hands. 

“Ciel, who’s he?” 

“My dad. Or, I was made to believe he was. My dad died before I was born I guess? I just learned about this. It always confused me when people would say how much I looked like my dad. I never saw it. Now I know the difference.” Ciel felt a lump in his throat. “I don’t know how my mom could keep something like this from me for so long...I mean I’m sure she had her reasons and it was hard but I don’t even know the littlest things about him...”

“So you feel a wedge in your relationship with your mother because of this?”

“Maybe I do, but I don’t hate her. The man who helped raise me never really made me feel like I was his son. He made me feel less important. That maybe I was a mistake.” 

“I’m sorry he made you feel that way. But you’re not a mistake, you are important, don’t let anyone make you feel less of yourself.”

Ciel took a deep breath and nodded. 

“Have you talked to your mother recently since you’ve decided to stay with your aunt?”

“She did call me. She wanted me to come home...she was upset. I feel like I didn’t explain myself well enough.”   
  


“It’s hard when you love someone, especially your mother and they don’t understand how you’re feeling. Don’t feel bad, you don’t need to explain yourself. It’s not your fault you feel this way.”

“So...I want to stay with my aunt because I feel like being home only enables and worsens my anxiety and depression.”

“It’s good for you to feel safe when on the road to feeling better. It’s completely valid that you want to have a less stressful environment so that you can grow. I know legal battles are stressful as well and I can help you discover coping mechanisms during this hard time.”

Ciel still sat back and closed off but he was definitely feeling a bit more open. He nodded and they continued. 

-/-/-/-/-/-

After an hour was up she walked him back to the waiting room. Sebastian was still there and Ciel felt a bubbling in his chest, and it made him feel good. Maybe a little happy even. Ciel was to have another appointment in a week, and until then she had given him a notebook to write in whenever he felt upset or in a panic. Any problems he had he was to write down. 

“How did it go?” Sebastian stood. 

“It was hard at first...but I think I will get used to it in time. My aunt is supposed to set me up with a psychiatrist soon so I can get some medication too.” 

They started walking out of the building. “You seem a lot less nervous than you were earlier though. I’m glad. I’m glad that you’re getting this help.”   
  


“I wouldn’t be able to without your help. Thank you for coming with me today.”

“No problem. Whenever you need me I’ll most certainly be there, okay?”

Ciel gave a smile. He felt like this one was real too. Sebastian made him feel real. He made him feel happy. 

Sebastian offered to get him some ice cream, even though Ciel insisted he didn’t need to. He could help but feel a craving for it after Sebastian mentioned it though, so he eventually gave in. Sebastian then took Ciel back to his aunts. He hung out for a little bit but he also had some paperwork to file so he cut it a little short. 

Sebastian was glad he could be there for Ciel, but he felt like since the kiss he really needed to make a line in the sand. That line being friendship only. If he continued getting closer like that he could really hurt Ciel. He had already disappointed him once, he didn’t want to again. He didn’t want to break his heart but it was hard. Ciel was very sweet and very loving and so so caring. Anyone would be lucky to have him. But Sebastian couldn’t have him. It didn’t look right. It didn’t feel right. 

He had never met someone like Ciel. All of his past partners could never amount to the love Ciel held in his eyes for anyone he was close to. Even if they could only be just friends. It already hurt to push him away after the kiss. Sebastian hurt too but he knows Ciel will fall out of his feelings soon enough. He would meet someone his own age and be happy with them. 

But what Sebastian didn’t know was how hard Ciel was trying to push those feelings down and away. The torture he was putting himself through just because he couldn’t lose Sebastian. And he would do this quietly so Sebastian wouldn’t know, and would never know. 

Sebastian finally got his focus on his work after an hour of sitting there. He needed to get this case figured out. He sat there till he couldn’t no more. It was nearly 8 at night now. He had been at this since he got home at around 4 and he didn’t get as far as he wanted. He decided to go shower and relax and then worry about it tomorrow. 

The rushing sound of water ricocheted off the walls of the bathroom as Sebastian undressed and got in the shower. His hair laid slicked back and wet, bathing his body and washing away his frustrations . Sebastian inhaled the heat in the room and exhaled, his mind fogged just like the room. It was only Ciel. He stared at the wall, watching the water run down it. Ciel had attached himself to every aspect of Sebastian's mind. It was tattooed on his brain, an image of Ciel. 

He was slowly consuming his life with Ciel. He had to stop it. His heart ached for romantic companionship. But that couldn’t be Ciel. He couldn’t stop thinking about the way Ciel kissed him. His lips were soft and shy, like Ciel had never kissed anyone before. Maybe he hadn’t. Maybe he was just nervous. 

He couldn’t get the way Ciel looked at him after he woke up and told him they could only be friends out of his mind. He was so sad, heartbroken and embarrassed. Sebastian never wanted to see that face again. 

It was so easy to say he didn’t like Ciel romantically than to actually do it. He got the butterflies the same as Ciel. 

He put his thoughts to rest albeit for the moment, for when he got out of the shower Ciel had noticed he had got a text from Ciel telling him goodnight. Sebastian realized Ciel was always going to be at the forefront of his mind and in his heart, whether he was against it or not. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	4. Just Friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this is a good read! I had a friend beta read and give their input and I feel it helped a lot! Give me some feedback and let me know if you like it!

Chapter 4

Just Friends

Things were finally moving along. 

Ciel was seeing his therapist, taking the pills prescribed by his doctor, and since he was taking classes online his stress had decreased a bit. But once the court stuff had started and it had brought it all back up, he really didn’t want to be anywhere near it. He wanted to focus on his online schoolwork. Ciel spent the days on a schedule, his therapist had suggested to start small and to give him more to work on each week:

He started by getting up at 8 in the morning. He would take a shower for a short time and ate something for breakfast. Then by the time it was 9:30 he was already doing work for his first class. 

He had 4 classes each day and they all lasted about an hour and a half, where he would take a break in between -like a normal school day- to have lunch and then he would continue to 4, had an hour of practice work and finally ate dinner after. 

Some nights Madam worked the 3rd shift and he was alone, but she always made sure to give him a call or two before he went to bed. 

Even if Madam worked a lot, he didn’t feel as alone as before. She alway checked in and made sure he was doing okay. He hadn’t been there long, a month or a little more. The change of environment was doing him so much better, but he definitely wasn’t out of the woods yet. He was sure it would sneak up on him sooner rather than later. 

Things with Sebastian seemed normal. Their friendship stayed as it was, friendship. Though his feelings never changed, not in the slightest. It was hard for Ciel, once he was attached and caught feelings it seemed hard to let go of them. Everytime he received a text he would smile, butterflies swarmed in his stomach, he almost couldn’t contain it. But once it was over, the realization set in again, reality came crashing down that no matter what, it would never be more than this. 

Ciel sat on the bed in the guest room Madam had made up for him to stay in as long as he needed to. He sat there illustrating while he was alone. It was calming. Drawing faces was fascinating to him, creating a face, whether a real face or a made up one, it was amazing what an imagination could do. However, it seemed all he could do was draw Sebastain. His eyes and smile made Ciel feel comforted even when he wasn’t there. Even when they weren’t talking. It made him feel safe. Ciel had been focusing on the lips and eyes for far too long, making them sparkle and shine, almost an addiction.

A knock to the door made him jump in surprise, his pencil clattering to the floor and his sketchbook went flush to his chest. 

“Ciel!” Madam came through the door, take out bag in one hand. “I brought some dinner, I hope you don’t mind take out.” 

Ciel had a hint of blush on his cheeks, embarrassment bloomed in his chest just like butterflies and it showed. He turned away, quickly closing the book. “Y-yeah it’s fine.” Ciel shoved the book in the drawer in his bedside table. 

“It’s hot, I’ll make a plate.” Madam made her exit as Ciel came down from the bed. 

Ciel’s bare feet pattered on the hard floor. He went to take a seat at the table, Madam set out a plate with some tea. Ciel was quiet. 

He sat quietly. 

He ate quietly.

He drank quietly...

He was like a rabbit, softly biting into a chip like a carrot but much softer, mushier vegetable and unlike a rabbit he was eating slow, almost in a daze as his mind drifted off to space. His gaze fixated to one spot in the kitchen.

“Ciel are you there?” 

Ciel was snapped back to reality. 

“You’ve been quiet, is everything alright?” The concern on her face was evident.

“Oh, I don’t know...maybe just a little stressed...?”

“Have you talked to Dr. Lee about this?” She set her eyes on Ciel, watching his body language.

“Well, a little. I have all these things to tell here but the moment I get there...I suddenly don’t want to talk.” Ciel seemed kind of sad when he said it. 

“It’s scary, yeah? Talking with a therapist is not easy, but it will help you in the long run.”

“I know, but it’s hard.” Ciel pulled his legs up onto the chair. “I’m so used to keeping things to myself. It used to be so easy. The only time it was ever easy to tell someone it was with Sebastian. I don't know why...” His eyes drifted off onto his plate. 

“You trust him.” Madam pondered further when Ciel didn’t respond. “You must miss him with him being in court these past few days.”

Ciel thought fondly for a moment. “I do.” He finally said softly.    
  
“Why don’t you tell him, I’m sure he would make time for you.”

Ciel knew he would. He so knew he would. That’s why he couldn’t. “N-no...that’d be selfish, I think...”

“It’s not selfish to miss someone.” 

“Then it’d just be weird.” Ciel scratched the back of his neck. He looked at his plate again, the flush on his cheeks now evident, but he hoped Madam wouldn’t notice. 

“Ciel, you’re just being silly.” Madam dismissed, waved her hand at him. 

“He may think it’s weird....” 

“I doubt it. He always asks how you’re doing whenever we have a meeting, even if he has already talked to you.”

“He does?” Ciel wasn’t surprised, it made him...happy? Happy didn’t seem like the right word but he was going to use it. 

“Yeah. You seem happy about that.”

“So?” Ciel bit his lip, pressing the crisp end of a fry. 

“So?” Madam moved her chair next to him. “I meant to say... You seem,  _ really  _ happy about that.”

“What are you getting at...?” Ciel tried to turn away and stuck a few fries in his mouth so he didn’t have to talk.

“I don’t know, you tell me.” Madam knew. She knew the whole time he had been here.

She had let him stay quiet and tell her all on his own, but now she was all too eager for him to say it to her directly. 

Ciel felt her staring at the side of his face. “Stop.” Ciel tried to hide his smile with his hand. The smile that would prove she was right. “Stop that.”

“Stop what?” Ciel could hear the grin in her voice. She was very pleased with herself.

“Staring at me like that!” Ciel’s face was hot. Burning up, but Ciel wasn’t going to let her see that. 

“Ciel, I’m not stupid. I have eyes, I see how you are, I hear it in your voice!” 

Ciel could tell she wouldn’t let up. “ _ Fine _ ...” Ciel mumbled into his hand. “It’s not like it matters anyway...” Ciel said quietly. 

“What do you mean?” 

“It’s....inappropriate...” Ciel said sadly. “You know he’s 10 years older than me right?”

“Oh Ciel I was chasing boys 20 years older than me when I was your age.”

“He already said so though...”

“That’s what they said too.” Madam moved closer. “I think yours is a different case.”

“I don’t think so, I don’t want to break boundaries...but I can’t stop it.” Ciel sighed. 

“Ciel,” Madam rubbed his shoulder. “You’re young and love is hard. But, as long as you’re happy I’ll be happy too. I love you and nothing will ever stop that.” She smiled softly as she stroked his hair soothingly. 

“Even if I like guys?” Though she had already said that nothing would stop it, he had to make sure. 

“Nothing, Ciel. I’ll always love you.” 

Ciel laid his head on her shoulder and she rubbed his arm. That was a little stress off his mind. He felt good. Chest bursting with butterflies that Ciel was happy to set free. 

Ciel decided to see if he could make plans with Sebastian, even if it was just for an hour, and luckily for him, Sebastian had time free this friday. At least for the moment he felt happy, peaceful and his mind felt still. 

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Ciel spent his Thursday afternoon with his therapist. They were just talking, discussing what happened during the week. It made Ciel feel more comfortable to start. But soon the conversation moved towards the court case and Ciel had started to get quiet. 

The doctor watched his movement and noticed how uncomfortable he was and decided to change the subject.

“Is there anything from your childhood that made you happy, Ciel? Maybe an activity or a friend?” Dr. Lee had tried to make a smooth transition to keep him open and at ease instead of closed off.

Ciel pondered for a moment. All that was coming to mind was school and school and... Well, even more school and how lonely that was. But then he remembered the gymnastics and tumbling class he took for a few years before he abruptly stopped. 

“I did take a gymnastics class that I liked. But...I stopped because my parents didn’t have time to take me. Then...  _ my father  _ complained about why he was still paying for it if I wasn’t going.” Ciel swallowed and pushed some hair behind his ear and tried to focus on some other part of the room. “I wanted to tell him how much I did want to go, but I knew better than to talk back at that point.” Ciel shrugged like that was it and it wasn’t a big deal anymore.

“You had fun at the time yes? Would you want to practice those skills again, maybe at a ‘jumping place’, perhaps? That could be very good for you.”

“I do miss it, but I don’t know...” Ciel hummed, thinking about it. 

“Maybe you can have someone go with you?” Dr. Lee suggested and she watched Ciel’s facial expression change from a curved smile to an embarrassed blush. 

“I mean, a friend and I are going to hang out tomorrow, but I can’t ask that of him.”   
  
“Even so, I think you should try. And then when you come back next week you can tell me how it all went.” 

“And if I don’t?” Ciel felt like it might be disappointing to not have that to talk about. 

“We’ll find something else to work on then.” She shrugs slightly. “Now, while you’re gone for a week I would like for you to keep practicing your coping mechanisms, breathing exercises and meditation when you feel stressed or even the smallest hint of anxiety coming, alright?” She gave him a smile. “Is there anything else you want to talk about before we finish up today?”   
  


Ciel took a deep breath, the tension building in his chest. There were many problems piled up but none of which he actually wanted to talk about. None of which he could bring himself to talk about.

Dr. Lee waited and let Ciel take his time, but the silence lasted a few minutes. Ciel finally gave a shrug in response. It had been like that for the last couple of weeks. 

“That’s fine, Ciel. Things like this are never easy. If it will help getting it out for next time,maybe try writing it down. That may be better than saying stuff out loud.” She went into her desk drawer and pulled out a brand new notebook for Ciel to record his feelings in. 

“Okay.” Was all he said. 

“Alright, well that’s all for us today. I hope you have much to talk about next time.” 

She walked Ciel out to the desk to make sure his appointment for next week was scheduled. They said their goodbyes and Ciel was on his way. 

The entire way home he berated himself for not talking about things once again. Maybe the journal would help separate his thoughts. Hopefully, hopefully. 

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Sebastian had been staring at his messages for 15 minutes. He felt like a nervous teenager who was nervous to ask someone out. Only this wasn’t high school -not for him anyway- and he had already done the deed.

_ So what do you wanna do tomorrow? _

_ Read 5:03 PM _

No response yet.

His fingers tapped the screen as he sat in the driver's seat of his car. He had clocked out at 5, texted Ciel and waited till he got to his car to see if he responded. Though it was 4 degrees celsius out he felt like he was sweating and pulled his tie from his neck and loosened it.

Had Ciel changed his mind? Why was Sebastian so eager to know? Just the anxiety of the word  _ read  _ overpowered any anxiety he experienced in his entire life. Not even the bar exam came close to that word under his text. Just those four letters. How terrifying.

His phone started to buzz and Ciel’s name appeared on the screen. After a few seconds of confusion he answered the phone.

“Hello?” He tried very hard to play it off like he wasn’t just staring at his phone waiting for Ciel’s reply.

“Hi, um sorry I didn’t just text you back but I thought i might explain it this way...” Ciel’s nervous tone made Sebastian nervous.

“Yeah, go ahead.”

“So... when I went to therapy today, it went well, we talked about some stuff and got to talking about some activities I did as a kid.” Ciel didn’t know what he would say, if he would even think it was a good idea. 

“I did gymnastics for some time and she suggested that I go to a jump park. I thought it was silly, and she suggested I go with a friend. And we were gonna hang out anyway so.... Do you... Maybe... Wanna do that?”

Sebastian had a sigh of relief knowing he wasn’t canceling, so he didn’t hesitate. “Yeah, Ciel that sounds fun. You did gymnastics?” 

Ciel giggled a bit, “For a time when I was younger. It was fun and I had liked it but I couldn’t go anymore.”

“Why not?” Sebastian heard Ciel sigh.

“Well... They just got busy, is all.” Ciel deflected, he always deflected around Sebastian. He didn’t like sharing emotion because he didn’t want him to worry about him. 

“Oh, well wanna go around noon tomorrow?” 

“Sounds good, see you then?”

“Yeah, bye.”

They hung up and there was a big sigh that released from Sebastian’s chest. He didn’t know why he was so worried. It was silly, stupid even. Why was he still acting like a teenager with a crush? It seriously needed to stop. He shook his head and turned his phone off.

It was just friends hanging out. Only friends. He had to keep reminding himself of that. He would have to keep that in the forefront of his mind tomorrow. Just friends. 

-/-/-/-/-/-

Ciel spent his morning with the little school work he had to do. He showered and ate his breakfast. He was ready pretty early, but he did plan on taking a tram downtown, so it was good he was. His anxiety kept him on time. Sebastian had been texting him earlier this morning to keep him updated. He had a few files to go through before he left. 

Ciel had toast with raspberry jam, nothing could stop him from having something sweet. Even at home he always found some way to get something sweet. Ciel wasn’t used to a well stocked home. Just scraps and crumbs and the ends of bread. His parents worked and traveled for work so much they were barely home for a meal. 

It’s funny, he was sure with all this going on, they weren’t working as much. He found it ironic how when he wanted their attention they did all they could to ignore him but now that Ciel decided to not take that shit anymore they wanted all the attention they missed, even wanted him to come home. You don’t realize what you’ve got till it’s gone, as they say. 

Ciel didn’t really know how to refer to the man he thought was his dad all 16-17 years of his life. He hadn’t made much to contact him actually. It’s almost like he didn’t care much, nor did he ever care in the first place. Ciel wondered how any of this happened. How long was it after his father passed did he make his way into Ciel’s mother’s life? Into  _ his _ life.

At first, Ciel thought he was just fighting along with his mom to stay on her good side and seemed like he had good intentions, but he didn’t think so. He never seemed fatherly in the slightest. Though he wasn’t, Ciel was sad. It could have been different, he could have treated Ciel like his son but he just treated Ciel like a child he was stuck with. And that would never sit right with Ciel. That someone who got involved with his mother, knowing she was expecting, and treating him like baggage instead of an addition to a new loving family.

That’s when Ciel’s feeling of not being wanted started, even before knowing he wasn’t his dad. Before he thought he was his he just didn’t want him in the first place. Ciel really didn’t know which hurt worse.

He had really got lost in his thoughts. 10 minutes had passed and he only came to to see Sebastian was calling him. Ciel needed a moment to come back down. He put his toast down and quickly whipped his fingers of jam after sucking a majority of it off. 

“H-hey! I’m just about to leave to catch the tram!” Ciel said, swiftly finishing off his toast.

“Tram? You don’t have to take the tram, I can just come get you.” 

“No, no, it’s okay, I’ll see you there.” Ciel wiped his mouth and went to put his plate in the sink.

“You wanted to hang out right, why not spend the most time we possibly can together?” 

“Well, I guess you’re right. Just as long as you don’t mind...” Ciel always thought about being a burden. He tried so hard to be useful instead of useless. 

“Of course I don’t mind, I suggested it, didn’t I? I’ll be there soon.” 

“Yeah okay, see you soon, bye.” Ciel smiled as he hung up the phone. If that wasn’t proof Sebastian liked to be around him he wasn’t sure what was. Oh maybe it was pity...?

No, what, stop that! Ciel shook his head. His thoughts turned heavily sour. As if they weren’t already. He just needs to see Sebastian to quell these nasty thoughts. These thoughts that did nothing but hurt him. Maybe that’s why he was so desperate to see Sebastian all the time. He made him feel like...Not a bad person. He wasn’t at all, but he just needed Sebastian to be able to feel like that. 

Ciel looked at his phone. It had been almost 5 minutes and he continued to look at the time while he waited for Sebastian. It took about 20 minutes to get from there to here so he should be here in another 15 minutes. Ciel sat by the window and kept an eye on the clock. 

Time passed, second after second and the minute after the last. He felt tension inside him as the time got closer and closer until it was time and he wasn’t here yet. Ciel tapped his fingers on the window sill, now no longer watching the clock but time continued to pass on as he had yet to see Sebastian pull up. Ciel felt his heart pound with every other minute that passed. It was getting to be a half hour and he was starting to worry. Did he change his mind and not tell him? No, no, he could just not have left right away. Yeah, that could be what happened too. Ciel just needed Sebastian to be here. Not in a minute, not in a second,  _ right now _ . The anxiety and anticipation made him hurt, vision becoming unfocused as he stared out the window and his brain making reality all wonky.

His eyes fixed outside, he almost looked like in a trance. Looking but not seeing, caught in a horrible day dream. Hand pressed to the window, imagining Sebastian pulling in and getting out of the car...

Only when he heard the door slam shut did he realize that that was actually reality and he was actual here right now. Ciel took a big breath in and moved away from the window and went to throw on converse and grab his jacket as he opened the door and locked it behind him. 

Ciel was so excited, he wanted to give him a hug but he knew it would most certainly be best not to. So he gave a wave and a small, shy smile. Sebastian returned the wave and smile.

“Hey, sorry it took a little longer, I misplaced my keys before I left.”

_ He just misplaced his keys.  _ That was it. Although there was still a feeling inside Ciel that told him no, and tried putting him down, the longer he looked at Sebastian’s face and in his eyes, the more it drowned that cruel voice.

“It’s okay. Let’s go! I wanna see how long you can last with all the high energy activity.” Ciel gave a teasing smile.

“Hey I’m not  _ that  _ out of shape. Just old.” Sebastian walked to the drivers side of the car.

“You’re only 26. That’s not old.” Ciel gave a laugh.

“Feels like it sometimes.”

Ciel gave a,  _ “Tsk,”  _ as he got in the car. The seat wasn’t big, Ciel was just tiny, and it certainly showed as he snapped his seat belt in. Sebastian couldn’t help but look at Ciel’s hands as he clipped his own in. He had painted his fingernails. They weren’t perfect and had started to peel off. His hands delicately laid into his lap on his tiny thighs. Really small.  _ Cute.  _

Sebastian brought his focus to Ciel’s face who, luckily had just turned from looking out his window and did not notice Sebastian ogiling his hands like a fucking weirdo. Sebastian swallowed as he gave a smile. “All ready to go?”

“Yep!” Ciel’s eyes closed as his lips turned up into the cutest fucking smile.

God was just fucking with him now.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

The jump park was only a few minutes into town. Ciel waited until the car was turned off to unbuckle himself. Delicate hands slide the strap off his chest and over his shoulder. It made a scratch sound, hitting the plastic. He gave a glance and a smile to Sebastian as he unbuckled himself and pulled the door handle to open it.

“Let’s go,” He said, stepping out of the car and Ciel followed suit. 

Sebastian opened the door to the establishment and it wasn’t ginormous but it was pretty big. There were arcade games at the front of the park and trampolines and many obstacle courses throughout. There were two foam pits, one large one and then a smaller one in the kids area. 

It was loud but not super unbearable. Children ran about the game floor and on the trampoline floor. Just everywhere. It wasn’t extremely chaotic but more of a controlled chaos. It was full of laughter and excited screaming. 

Ciel took a deep breath as he was immediately overwhelmed. He clenched the hem of his shirt. This was one of the reasons he was hesitant to come, but he hoped his medicine would kick in for him soon. 

They needed to go to the waiver stations before actually paying to jump. Without it they couldn’t jump. They went to the counter to pay for an hour. 

“2 people for an hour.” Ciel said as he got to the counter. The teenage girl behind the counter smiled.

“Will you be needing jump socks?” She asked, quing things up on her register.

“Yes.” Ciel said as he looked down to his wallet.

“I can pay for it.” Sebastian chimed in.

“No, it’s okay you drove us here, and I suggested it, so it’s fine.” 

“Alright, but I will pay you back for it.” Sebastian was being stubborn but Ciel would be stubborn right back.

“No you will not,” Ciel handed the lady cash, “Friends don’t ask for things in return for something they wanted to do for them.” Ciel gave the girl a smile and a  _ thank you,  _ as she gave them the jump socks and wristbands.

They were to watch a short video before being allowed on the jump floor. As they watched Sebastian was distracted by what Ciel had said. Ciel was so lovely, kind and thoughtful. So sweet and wonderful. It’s one of the things he noticed when they were first chatting. That and being super polite. 

The video was only 5 minutes and then they were on their way. Sebastian knew nothing of trampolines, he knew they were meant to be jumped on but he had never done that before. 

Ciel obviously knew what he was doing when he went right up to the section of trampoline and bound right onto them and did a flip, leaving Sebastian stunned. Ciel landed on his feet and bounced gently. Sebastian was actually very impressed. It was a simple flip but the way he did it so effortlessly means he had retained what he learned before. 

Ciel had a lot of passion for a lot of things. Sebastian knew that by now. He first noticed with his art. The first commission from Ciel he got was amazing and he could see the passion. He put all of himself into everything he did. And that’s why he really liked Ciel. He had passion and he cared about people in his life even if they weren’t good for him. He put the people he loved before himself and it made sense how guilty and selfish he felt for finally getting himself help and out of a toxic environment. 

Ciel turned around, flopped onto his behind as he smiled and beckoned Sebastian to come. He tapped the trampoline with both his hands and continued to encourage him.

“Come on! I’m waiting to see what you can do!”

“Sorry to disappoint, but it’s not much.” Sebastian said as he walked over. He stepped in and he sunk to his weight. Ciel was still sitting and smiling up at him. Sebastian shifted his weight without jumping and made Ciel bounce and move from his seat. He stifled the softest giggle with his hand. Sebastian then dropped down next to him and Ciel bounced more releasing more giggles. “This isn’t jumping.” Sebastian commented.

“I know but I was certainly bouncing.” Ciel pressed his legs to his chest and crossed his feet at his ankles. 

“I wanna see what  _ you  _ can do.” Sebastian did a playful shove. Ciel had a smile spread so big on his face. “Come on mister gymnast.”

“I only did a good few years of it. Don’t expect much.” Ciel stood up and stepped over to the other trampoline in the sea of trampolines in this area. “I’m not warmed up...I probably should.” Ciel took a moment to stretch his arms and back. He made sure to do it for his legs too. He took a few good minutes to do a good stretch so he wouldn’t injure himself and then once he was ready he jumped to get some air before he went into a backflip. 

He lost a bit of balance but still remained tall. Sebastian gave him a bit of applause. Ciel bounced back down onto the trampoline. “You’re turn!” Ciel said. “Do some jumping!” 

Sebastian rolled his eyes with a smile as he did his bouncing and Ciel watched him. Ciel breathed a laugh. He looked like a huge dork and Ciel was enjoying it a lot. 

“Has my form?” 

“Oh, perfect.” Ciel gave a thumbs up. Ciel looked around the place and saw the foam pit with the bar over it. “Hey. we should do that!” 

Sebastian stopped his jumping and looked over to where Ciel was looking. “Do what?”

“See if we can knock each other off balance there into the foam pit.” Ciel had got up and bounded over and off the trampoline. 

“You want me to knock you off the bar?” 

“No, I will knock you off.” Ciel threw the inflatable at him. 

“That’s what you think.” Sebastian went to one side and Ciel went to the other. Ciel went on the bar with almost no effort and when Sebastian stepped on he realized he had really underestimated Ciel’s balance because his own was awful. 

Ciel could see it too and really went for it. Sebastian wasn’t ready but braised himself as Ciel made his way over. Sebastian was thinking about his balance too much and lost it the moment Ciel pushed the inflatable into him and took a dive into the foam.

Ciel gave a laugh, throwing the inflatable down. “You totally gave up right away.” 

“Your balance is far superior, I concede.” Sebastian pushed the inflatable away. Ciel took this chance to do a flip into the foam pit and went in after Sebastian. “Every time I move I sink even further down.” Sebastian was experiencing how a foam pit worked now. 

Ciel didn’t say anything but climbed on out of the pit. Sebastian gave a silent  _ what the fuck _ . Once again, Ciel was effortless. “Come on there is so much more to do.” Ciel bent down and waited for him, hugging his knees.

“How do I get out, how did you do that?” Sebastian was befuddled.

“You just do it.” Ciel shrugged and tried to hide his laugh as Sebastian continued to struggle. 

It took time before Ciel finally offered his hand to help him out and that still took time. Ciel had finally helped him out and Sebastian let out a big sigh. “You watched me struggle for a time. Are you happy with yourself?” Ciel giggled, grabbed him by the arm and pulled him along to the obstacle course. 

The hour went on and it turns out that Ciel’s therapist was right, he did enjoy himself in the end, and a lot more with Sebastian. They had lunch right after, Ciel’s face not once changing back to his normal shade. He stayed pink that entire afternoon. He was getting too comfortable with his romantic feelings. He didn’t think he really cared that much at this point. He liked the feeling of being around Sebastian. He didn’t want it to end. 


	5. Good to Bad to Awful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An awful chain of events.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has been sitting finished in docs for 2 weeks and I finally got the energy to do actual editing! Pls comment, leave kudos to let me know what you think!

Chapter 5

Good to Bad to Awful

It’s been another month, deep into the cold winter months, London was a stark white. No sunlight to be had in the middle of the day, but people still went about their day. 

And so did Ciel, doing his schoolwork and proceeding through his third year. He was doing well, both in school and emotionally and mentally. He was still taking his pills and practicing his coping mechanisms as well. 

Counting his fingers, thinking about his breathing and playing with stuff in his hands have become comforting. Sebastian was also up there, he was easy to talk to which helped him talk about his problems a lot.

Ciel tried to not put him on a pedestal but, to Ciel, he was the epitome of a man. Of a good person. Sebastian would surely deny these claims. Humble as well. 

Ciel wasn’t quiet about it either. He would slip into flirting when he wasn’t thinking. Sebastian would as well. It was a mistake. Sebastian made plenty of mistakes in his life but flirting with a teenager was among the stupidest ideas yet.

If Ciel was a little older he could deal with it, but he’s still too young. There was a part of him that said to just wait till he turned 18. However, that made him feel even weirder, like some creep and Sebastian didn’t want that. He most definitely didn’t want to hurt Ciel. 

He was having a hard time, Ciel had occupied his mind the last few nights. 

He closed his eyes, he saw Ciel; he rolled over, he saw Ciel; he went to his kitchen for a glass of water, he saw Ciel leaning on the counter. 

Ciel.

Ciel.

_ Ciel. _

He didn’t want to out of the blue just stop talking to him to fix his ailment. That would just hurt Ciel even more. Even so, he had to do something about it. He worried what it would do if Sebastian tried to push him away. Besides, he liked having Ciel to talk to. He didn’t dump all his adult problems on him, but talking with Ciel sure did distracted him from it all.

This was beginning to stress him out though. He tried to bury himself in his work and youtube but all that did was stress him more. His videos started coming out lackluster and the community noticed. He decided to announce a few weeks break to gather himself and use that time to produce better content. 

That was one stresser off the brain, but Ciel and work still stayed on his mind. He needed something, _ anything  _ to clear his mind. He could go out for a drink, but that might lead to something stupid and he really didn’t want to embbarras himself just to relieve stress. 

The day went on then, staring at his computer screen, reading emails from clients. For every email he went through he would look at the clock and only 10 minutes had passed. 

Sebastian let out a hefty sigh. He rubbed his face, he needed to relax, perhaps a shower, just something to ease his mind. 

As he pushed back in his chair and let out another sigh his phone started to ring. He shot up and expected it to be Ciel. It was a number he didn’t recognize.

A text.

_ Hey, It’s been a while. I’m in town, wanna meet for a drink? _

_ -xoxo M _ .

Sebastian’s heart dropped when he slowly started to recognize who it was. 

It’s been a while. 

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Ciel wished winter break was longer. He did a lot of drawing in that time. He had only brought a little travel sketchbook but now it is filled up from cover to cover. He had plenty of sketchbooks under his bed at his parents. He wanted to go and get them but he was afraid. 

Afraid of the place he used to call home. 

There were so many things he left behind in his old room. So many projects he loved; shoes and shirts that he loved. So many sentimental feelings to objects in his room that he may never see again.

But it was nagging him. He needed a few items. It had been bugging him all day. All week really. He could just buy new sketchbooks or clothes or shoes, but nothing would replace those projects. He had to go home during the day, surely his parents wouldn’t stop working during this time. 

He would feel bad to ask Sebastian for a ride there. Ciel always felt bad asking him for things. He tapped his phone screen, messages already opened. Sebastian had already texted him earlier but he was doing schoolwork.

_ What are you doing today? _

Ciel didn’t know why but it gave him butterflies. Anytime Sebastian messaged him he got those butterflies. He was interested in what Ciel had to say and what he was doing. 

_ Nothing really...but can I ask a favor? _

It only took a minute for Sebastian to reply.

_ Go ahead. _

_ Can... Can you take me to my parents so I can grab something? Or like a few things. Maybe? _

It took Ciel a second to hit send. He gnawed on his lip as his finger pressed and held the send button. He had held it for a bit too long as sending options came up. He then hit the X button and just hit send this time. Again, Sebastian was quick to reply. 

_ Yeah, of course. I can be over soon :) _

The smiley face only fueled his butterflies. It was really hard to keep in mind that they were just friends. Only friends. 

Ciel just continued to be himself, though he realized that being himself may have been a little flirty he tried to dial it back. He never knew himself to be flirty, just shy and very reserved. It seems that Sebastian had brought a different side of him out, one that he had become fond of.

Sebastian would be there any minute, so Ciel decided to put on much warmer clothes. Another sweatshirt and his jacket, though he was out of luck in the shoe department he just slid on his converse. He would need to get some boots sometime. 

He felt bad always asking Madam for stuff. They were stuff he needed yes, but he still felt he should be getting it himself. He had talked with his therapist about getting a part time job, but anytime he got to looking he got nervous; nervous about an interview, what if they didn’t like him? 

What if he wasn’t good with the customers? 

What if he couldn’t solve a problem for someone and got yelled at endlessly by someone he didn’t even know?

It scared him. The medicine was working for him, and the coping mechanisms were also doing their job, but he felt he needed more time. Maybe he could find something small to start with. A place with not a lot of things that was easy to memorize and easier to help people with. 

But who would be understanding of mental illness? Of the sudden anxious feeling, needing to stay home and be alone. What if they didn’t understand like most people when it came to mental illness? 

Ciel folded his fingers together, he pressed his folded fingers to his forehead and scrunched up his eyebrows. He let out a soft breath. All this thinking was making his head spin. This happens every time he tries to think about these things. This was probably a good thing to write in his journal.

He had used the journal a lot since his therapist suggested it to him. A lot of time had passed and he may have filled a good third of it. It helped empty his mind a lot. When writing it down it didn’t linger in his mind.

Time passed while Ciel wrote down in his journal and Sebastian had arrived for him. Sebastian texted him to let Ciel know he was there and Ciel went out to his car. 

Sebastian saw Ciel walk out, his purple jacket large on him, it was cute. The boy was swimming in it. 

Sebastian tongued the inside of his cheek. His heart sunk low in his stomach and he felt sour. He straightened up in the driver’s seat as Ciel sat down. 

“Hi.” Ciel said shyly. His face a bright red from the cold and only the cold. He buckled quickly and pushed his fingers between his thighs to warm them.

“Hey, you sure you wanna go over there?” Sebastian was a little worried. It had already been several months since Ciel had been home. He seemed so scared to be there.

“Yeah, no ones going to be there, I just want a few of my things.” Ciel twiddled his thumbs and stared at his lap.

“Okay. No problem then we’ll get going then.” Sebastian asked nothing further and pulled out and they headed over that way.

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

They arrived not too much later. Sebastian parked on the street across from the home despite the empty driveway. Ciel looked out the window, his breathing was audible and heavy.

“I can go in with you, if that makes you feel better?” 

Ciel shook his head. “No, I’ll be quick. I’ll be fine.”

Ciel opened the car door and walked across the street with the house key he still had in hand and he went inside.

Ciel’s chest felt heavy as he walked down the hallway. He went to his old room and pushed the door open. It was just the way he had left it.

Bed was made and everything was still neat and tighty. He went under his bed and grabbed his portfolio bag and grabbed a few other of his favorite things.

He was quick. He didn’t want to linger there too long. A feeling started to build in his chest and he just needed to leave just then. Right now. He got what he came for. He couldn’t drag his feet and find more things that he just wasn’t going to be able to take with him.

Ciel sighed and left his old bedroom, pulling the door toward him to close and pressing his forehead on the door itself. He let out another sigh to release his tension. He stood there a moment, maybe a moment too long.

_ “Hey.” _

Ciel jumped and spun around, the voice was behind him and once he saw the man standing mere inches away and pushed back into the door.

His breathing became labored after he let loose a scream. The man before him once thought of as a father now someone Ciel did not know who.

“What are you doing back here, you little shit? Decided to come home and beg for forgiveness?” The man's breath was hot, and reeked of alcohol.

“I-I just....I-I-I don’t...I was just leaving...pl-please..” Ciel’s stutter got bad. Now he was frozen staring into baron black eyes, no sign of humanity. It was abandoned as he drowned in alcohol and loomed over Ciel like a dark shadow. 

“You know what your little stunt caused. Your mother is divorcing me and it’s all your fucking fault!” He shoved Ciel into the door frame and Ciel winced. 

Ciel’s eyes shut tightly and he whimpered. He was beyond scared and couldn’t speak.

“You think you can just fucking come back and it be okay? You think you can just waltz your way into  _ my  _ house and take the things you left behind? Shitty brat....” The man’s fingers dug into Ciel’s shoulders and Ciel turned into himself, silently crying, tears falling down his cheeks, absolutely terrified to say a word. 

“St-Sto-“

“Shut up. You’re nothing but a bastard child. I’m not your  _ real  _ daddy? So fucking what? Doesn’t mean you had to go and do what you did. You’re gonna fucking get it kid.”

Ciel clutched the portfolio bag, head turned away and shut tightly, a part of him hoping he would just walk away and leave him alone. But he knew it would not end like that. He had to leave. Ciel didn’t know how long he had to make Sebastian wait for him to come looking for him.

Not soon enough, Ciel could tell his silence only enraged the man and he tossed Ciel to the floor. He landed on his shoulder and his head banged on the floor. 

“I didn’t think you would be giving me this much trouble. I should have just done away with you when you were a baby.” He stood over Ciel and grunted. 

Ciel groaned as his head began to hurt. He curled up into himself instinctively. Ciel’s face was wet and continued to be so as he let out a sob. Ciel could tell that only angered him. 

The man moved quickly as he wound his leg up to give Ciel a swift kick to the gut. It knocked the wind right out of him. He groaned in pain as he tried to get up, a foot was pushed down hard into the center of his back.

“Aha!” Ciel’s face scrunched up as his chest was forced into the floor.

“I could crush your ribs under my heel. What a shame that would be?”

“Arg, st-stop please...!” Ciel tried to raise his chest up but he only pushed down harder.

Ciel was yanked up hard by his hair. “Stop struggling, brat. Just accept the consequences.”

Ciel was in the middle of yelling out when he heard someone coming down the hall.

“Robert!” 

The voice rang in his ears and he was still too frightened to look up.

“What are you doing back here and...” Ciel had finally looked up teary eyed to see his mother just arriving home. “What are you doing to him? Get off of him and get the hell out of here.” Her voice was shaken and she was angry.

It was quiet save for Ciel’s breathing and he took the moment to find strength and break free. He had to curl over and breathe out hard. He sniffled as he felt a hand to his shoulder and Ciel looked up with a gasp.

“Ciel, sweetheart are you alrig-” Before she could finish asking him Ciel got up and bolted out the door. “Ciel! Please wait!” She called after him but did not follow him

Ciel got out back to Sebastian’s car and rushed everything. He slammed the door and alarmed Sebastian.

“Jesus christ what’s wrong?”

“Just drive!” Ciel screamed.

“Ciel. What happen-”

“DRIVE!” Ciel covered his ears and closed his eyes. His legs tucked close to his chest as Sebastian started to drive away. 

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Ciel was still breathing hard, they had been driving not even ten minutes and Sebastian couldn’t take it anymore and pulled over. Ciel was too busy having a fit to notice.

“Ciel, please talk to me. What happened? Did you run into your parents?” Ciel had come back for a brief moment and then had to exit the car which gave Sebastian a freight. “Ciel wait!” Sebastian jumped out of the car as well. “We’re on the side of a busy roadway, fucking hell Ciel, be careful!” 

Sebastain ran up behind him and grabbed his arm to turn him around. Sebastian watched Ciel flinch and he retracted his grip slowly and restated what he had asked earlier. “What happened?”

Sebastian’s brow furrowed as he watched Ciel’s face. He looked pained on his tear stained face. Sebastian held his face as he wiped his cheek. Ciel scrunched up his face, grabbed and held Sebastian’s wrist.

“He was there.” Ciel let out a sob. “He hurt me...”

Something in Sebastian snapped. “How did he hurt you?” Sebastian’s jaw locked up and he swallowed.

“He....pushed me against the door...” Ciel swallowed hard. “He threw me down and kicked me hard in my stomach...he wanted to kill me..” Ciel let himself fall into Sebastian’s chest and press his forehead softly into it. Sebastian held him instinctively. Sebastian rubbed his back softly. 

“You’re safe, Ciel...just breath.” 

Ciel wrapped his arms around Sebastian and cried into his shirt. Sebastian held him closely. They stayed that way for a long while. The sound of cars passing by did not bother them. Ciel calmly breathed in Sebastian’s scent and he was immediately calm. 

Ciel’s fingers squeezed into the fabric of Sebastian’s shirt. “Thank you....” Sebastian pulled his face back and then pulled Ciel’s face up to look into his eyes just to make sure he was really okay. In that moment, Ciel desperately wanted to kiss him, he pleaded with his eyes. “Please...’ Ciel opened his mouth slightly. “....take me back to Madam’s...” He chickened out like he always did.

Sebastian looked him over to make sure he was going to be okay before nodding and leading him back to his car. Ciel sat in the car silently, emotional exhausted and sore as hell. 

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

They had gotten back and Sebastian settled Ciel on the couch and made him some tea. With Ciel bundled up on the couch with red eyes, red nose, and red cheeks; this situation seemed all too familiar. 

Though not his own home, Sebastian offered to make Ciel some tea to calm his nerves. Ciel told him where everything was and off Sebastian went.

He boiled water and grabbed the tea bags. Sebastian scoured the cupboards for cups, even coming across a cute hand-made mug scribbled in child scrawl.

_ To: Auntie Red _

_ From: Ciel  _

A crudely drawn picture of what Sebastian thought to be Ciel and Madam Red with a bunch of red hearts to surround it. It was amazing to see where Ciel started to what he can render now. And now, at only 17 years old, truly amazing.

The kettle started to screech and Sebastian went over to put it off the fire as he readied a tea cup for Ciel. He was careful not to spill the scalding water on himself. From there he then brought the cup out to Ciel.

He looked so tired, eyelashes fluttering gently on his reddened cheeks. Sebastian set the cup on the table in front of Ciel and sat at the edge of the couch.

“How are you feeling?” Sebastian asked as he watched Ciel pick the cup up and bring it to his soft pink lips. Ciel took a moment of pause to sip, gently as it was very hot. He took a deep breath after pulling it away from his mouth.

“Thank you, I’m...I just feel sore...and exhausted..” Ciel looked in the cup at his reflection. 

Sebastian tried to hold his rage. He didn’t know much about having a father, even a step father but this was far from what a father was supposed to be. “What did he do to you?” Sebastian bit his tongue, trying to hold back, but something in him wanted to go over there and tell him a thing or two.

“He...pushed me down...pushed his shoe into my spine. I was scared...” Ciel bit his lip and clenched the blanket over his legs. Sebastian encouraged him, held one of his hands and Ciel looked up at him. Ciel felt a twinge in his chest, and tried holding back a few tears. “My...my mom came in...told him to stop...she had kicked him out and is divorcing him...so he was angry at me..”

“Ciel, none of this is your fault, okay?” Sebastian moved in closer. “No matter what he said to bring you down, you need to know, none of this is your fault.” 

Ciel only nodded. He wiped a few tears from his eyes then held another hand over Sebastian and smiled. His heart rate was rising and he hoped Sebastian couldn’t hear it. “Thank you....for caring so much about me...” Ciel's voice sounded weak. He was shaking.

“Yeah...I do care about you...maybe even more than care about you. I...” Sebastian didn’t know what he was saying, either way a disaster was going to come out of his mouth. “You know...you know I love you....like...like a brother or a father!”

What a disaster. 

A fool.

Stupid.

Stupid.

_ Stupid! _

Sebastian had not processed what he said till he watched Ciel’s face drop. Ciel tried to process this as Sebastian tried to explain his way out of it, rambling and trying to explain what he  _ really  _ meant but it wasn’t working.

“I’m sorry, I meant like-“

“I’m sorry...you have to go...” Ciel tried to stay level headed and not make a big deal of it. “I think it’s getting late and...and..” Ciel covered his face a moment and collected himself. He tried to gather his emotions but this was a stab in the heart. 

“Ciel it’s only 5:30-”

“You just need to go!” Ciel held his face and tried to take a breath. “I’m sorry... I’m sorry..” Ciel’s voice cracked as his emotions got the better of him. “I-I just...I’m trying to just be a friend... but... you know how I feel, fuck!” Ciel sniffled and wiped his eyes. “I’m trying so hard...just to be with you as your friend and I’m trying but I’m sorry....I still have feelings for you...” Ciel covered his face in shame. 

Ciel felt so embarrassed. He felt like he just wanted to die. He couldn’t do it anymore. He had to say how he was feeling. But it only hurt worse with what Sebastian had said.

“I’m...Ciel...I..”

“Don’t...just don’t..I..can’t take it anymore.” Ciel just shook his head and bit his lip.

“Ciel..please..let me just..” Sebastian reached out to grab onto his hand.

Ciel pulled his hand back. “No don’t, just leave! We can’t be friends...because I like you too much...and you already said we can’t be together so you have to go..” Ciel didn’t look at him.

“Please I--I just wanna--”

“GO!” Ciel yelled, his panic was rising and he just needed Sebastian to leave. Sebastian was something that helped, now he was only the cause.

Ciel pushed on Sebastian’s shoulders, a very sullen look on his face.

Not only did the shove give Sebastian a shock, but the look of betrayal that was all over Ciel’s face. He couldn’t do anything. All he could do for Ciel’s sake, was for him to leave. He only nodded and grabbed his coat. He really didn’t want to leave Ciel like this, tears pouring down his cheek; those cheeks red with irritation as well as his nose. And Sebastian was the cause. 

It really was a stupid thing to say.

He loves him? But like a brother? Or worse, a fucking father?? He really dug his own grave in this situation. And for what? It only hurt Ciel to hear it. He certainly deserved the shove and the yelling.

Sebastian made his way out in almost a haze. He ran into Madam in the driveway. She asked why he was leaving in a rush. “I... messed up... but Ciel needs you right now.” Was all he said. Madam looked completely befuddled, but she went in to see what was the matter. 

When she saw Ciel once again in tears, she went to coddle him. 

“I’m...so stupid..” Ciel forced a breath out.

“What happened?” Madam asked, stroking his hair softly. Ciel only shook his head.

“I just....I couldn’t stop having feelings for him...”

“So he said you can’t be friends?” Madam made the assumption and Ciel shook his head.

“No...I said we couldn’t...we can’t be together and I couldn’t get rid of my feelings...” Ciel tried explaining.

“Where did that come from? You two were just fine a few days ago?”

“Well I guess I should start from the beginning...” Ciel let out a heavy sigh. He began to go through the whole ordeal. He tried staying calm but reencountering the assault skyrocketed his panic and anxiety. 

Madam rubbed his back as she herself tried to stay calm but the anger showed in her face at how this man, who was to be like a father to him, had beat him and blamed him for the incoming divorce he was facing with her sister. In retrospect she felt the man deserved everything coming to him. 

Madam was completely disgusted with what he did to Ciel. She wanted to check him over, being a doctor she was concerned he was badly hurt, but Ciel insisted that he was fine now. When he got to the Sebastian part she felt a little second hand embarrassment for him. How do you admit your feeling and then back pedal that hard? 

“Oh honey,” She started, pulling him in for a hug. “Boys can be dumb, not you of course.” Ciel let out a chuckle. Madam was happy to make him laugh. “Men can also be dumb. But I think you just need a break to sort out your true feelings. Perhaps you will end up friends again or...perhaps more?”

Ciel shook his head. “No. I don’t think so...” Ciel was quick to close the book on it, obviously too hurt to think about it any further. 

For the next half hour Ciel laid his head on her shoulder for comfort. Madam couldn’t stay much longer, unfortunately. She was scheduled a night shift that night. 

“Is it alright for Alois to come over?” Ciel asked, not wanting to be alone. He could usually stand it, but without Sebastian he needed another friend by his side. 

“Of course.” Madam gave him a kiss to the forehead and she got dressed and ready to leave for the night. She made sure Ciel’s friend was coming before she left.

Ciel didn’t want to be alone. Being alone meant time to think; and time to think meant unwanted tormenting thoughts. There were things he just couldn’t completely talk to Madam about. Ciel felt, in just one afternoon, he was right back to where he started. Right back at the bottom. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
